dAh?!

words said by my bes like ‘corners of my mind’ and ’searching for signs’ are just things that brought me tumbling back into emotions unknown where i left them way into oblivion which i believe they should be. when you just thought you had you’re defenses all wound up around its when you’re caught off guard on simple things that hits home and wham! there you go soft all over and think where did all go wrong?

sometimes i guess being human is soo hard with all its vulnerability. i dunno whats with that word but heck it scares the heck out of me. for a time being its been easier for me (a lot easier) to stay oblivious of how things felt way when i had them. it helps that i’ve got a carefree spirit, i can easily escape away from distractions or should i say things that i consider distractions, but sometimes when it come crashing down on you, you just dont know what hit ya right on. my bestfiend whose also my confidant asked me one time during our recent conversations if i AM TIRED.

NO, IM SHATTERED. and I feel those fragments of me are just floating in the air, suspended. they’re so tiny not chunks but tiny pieces of me. he stands unbelievable on my words, says how can someone so engaging can be silently shattered inside. why not? how can someone tell what the other IS feeling anyway? its not that im good at hiding what i feel but i just dont want people asking me ‘how come you’re so blah-blah-blah-blah’. for the record i dont easily spill unless i feel any connection to a person which is not that often and few only knew so im kinda safe.

then all he said was ‘blame it to hurt,youre still holding on to it’. what the heck? that sent me spinning way back into reality. it spelled in four letter word O-U-C-H! i wasnt aware of that until he said it straight to me. how much i wanted to deny his words but i couldnt. somehow he put me (again) out of words.

so be it. let the damn hurt be the culprit. he said it all out. sigh. when i couldnt say anything to parr his words that well held some truth, he calmly told me ‘i know how you’re feeling..instead of thinking what you’re missing try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.‘ and that THAT one made me break my silence. he listened as i told him that even im having the time of my life i still feel hollow, theres someone i long to be with but im stopping myself because things couldnt.. well you got the rest no need for me to spill.

he went on saying that in the ‘corner of my mind’ im still thinking of that someone who got away but then again i stopped ’searching for the signs’ for a second chance or for another one to come, and sometimes it occur to me that i maybe the one who got away instead of her. now that may sound egotiscal but hey he has some thought for his words. my bes loved soo much and got badly hurt again, again and again, so he may really know what hes talking about.

i was silent for awhile pondering his words. i heard him sigh saying ‘its okay to cry’.

soo my bes thought I was crying. i surprised him by laughing out loud, my hollow laugh. but then again he surprised me by his words ‘you cant fool me,you’re sad’. honestly im dried up,wanna cry but cant for some unknown reason I don’t wanna name. ‘you wanna be like me?don’t be..’ were his words to me along with it was our favorite spiel from spiderman movie ‘if I punch you,you’ll still bleed.right?’

i guess im not numb after all. what he told me hit a spot. i assured him by saying out the correct spiderman movie spiel before I’d cry: ‘punch me, I bleed.